These stories make my food-poisoned solo drive from Paris to Leeds seem pretty non-existant really.
Memories from the Last Tour
There’s one time I drove. I left the house at midnight and drove all night and all day till 6 PM to Indiana to play a show, chewing Adderall the entire time. Chewing my teeth down to a nub there. Seth and Julie (Seth’s wife) are in the backseat asleep the entire time. One time I stood up to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down.
Somehow I got 3.6 seconds to close my eyes before the show. I went through REM and then I got woken up. We’re onstage doing “Radio Hit” and there’s a break before it comes to the hardcore bit. During the hardcore part, I shut my eyes and fell asleep—and never dropped the beats.
Our guitar player Josh never showered, never shaved. He cut his foot, so he’s not wearing shoes. He looks like Frodo. We had this one show, Josh was like, “Something’s wrong with my guitar.” My eyes get wide and I reared back, retorting, “YOU HAVE NO STRINGS ON IT, ASSHOLE!” He’s slamming the pickup.
The last show AC played was in Cleveland at a place called Now That’s Class, an absolute dive with Mad Dog at the bar for $5. During one of the opening acts, I went to Pizza Hut before so…explosive diarrhea is coming on. I run to the bathroom, which ends up being the women’s bathroom. Too late. So I sit down, and it’s explosion city. Mountains of mayhem. So this woman walks in, and all of a sudden she’s like, “Is thaaat a maaan? I’m gonna kick yer ass!” So I say, “Well if you kick my ass we won’t be able to play.” She says “Oh my god yer in Anal Cunt! Oh I wanna fuck you…blah blah blah. Let me come in there and give you a blow job.”
I’m like, “Don’t touch me while I’m in the bathroom. No.” That was just weird. I get out of the bathroom and she’s trying to hump me, ugh. Later on in the club she’s all “Seth! I wanna meet Seth!” which I mean, everyone wants to meet Seth. She gets up to see him and Seth’s all, “Hey you wanna give me a blow job?” and she says, “Maybe later.” So we start playing and the show is just chaos. Packed house. We’re playing for like an hour. During the set the girl was onstage and Seth goes up to her and says, “You can gimme that blow job now.” It was only like ten seconds but the crowd went nuts. That was the last show we ever played.
We get a hotel room and Josh disappears. Seth and Julie are asleep. Then there’s a knock at the door. “It’s me, Josh,” the voice behind it says. It’s like three hours later; I’d been asleep. Seth opens the door and Josh is like, “Somebody gimme 60 dollars.”
“I can score some crack from the hooker out in the hallway.”
Somehow I gave it to him. I don’t know why. And that was a night with Anal Cunt. Those were tour nights.